I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
