oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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