My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
