There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
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You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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