fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
