apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
