he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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