Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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