An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
