Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
