For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
