I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
