you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
