i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
