a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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