One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
