I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
