Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
