The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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