the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
