I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
