i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
