and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
