im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
