do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
