no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
