It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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