She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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