your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
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So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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