I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
