the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
