apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
