I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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