I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
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