Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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