There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
