Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
