i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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