I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
