this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You have to summon your inner elephant
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
