I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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