Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
