Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
