mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
