I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
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i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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