Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
