ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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