I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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