I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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