You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
