i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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