You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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