i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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