I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
