honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
