If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
