that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
