If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
