The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
