gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
